The Underland Healers Oath
by Ranguvar27
Summary: Alannah has to renew her Oath, so Ilosovic helps by quizzing her. T for innuendo.


The Underland Healers Oath.

Alannah groaned to herself as she noticed the rather bulky package sitting prominently on the kitchen table. Ilosovic, who was in the kitchen fixing himself a third cup of tea, pointed at the item. "Messenger dropped that off a few moments ago. What is it?"

Alannah sighed and sat at the table, pulling the package towards her and ripping off the paper. "It's the Healer Vows in one convenient volume. I have to go through each and every one of them to make sure I've kept my Oath. Would you care to quiz me?"

Ilosovic shrugged and sat down. "Why not?" He pulled the papers toward him and opened them to the first page. "Alright, we'll start with this. How long have you been a Healer?"

Alannah counted on her fingers. "Going on twenty years. Next question."

"Did you attend Madam…Runcible's School for Proper Healing Techniques? Who the blazes is she?"

"No, as Madam Runcible had been dead twenty years before I was born. She was a famous healer in Underland. Most of the cures we have come from her. She's the author of Healing with Hares."

Ilosovic blinked. "Was she a hare?" Alannah nodded, and he shook his head. "Right. Well, moving on. Have you ever had to wrestle a gryphon for his feathers?"

"No, as gryphons went extinct when I was a child. But from what I've read, the process is not very enjoyable, and apparently has to be performed naked. Of course, that could just be a rumor."

Ilosovic spent several rather pleasant moments imagining his wife wrestling a mythological creature while naked.

Alannah sighed, then walked over to him and smacked the side of his head. "You're supposed to be helping me with this, not having fantasies." He glared at her; a bit put out, but continued with the questions.

"Spoilsport. What is the first Oath?"

"Heal what you can, but never at the cost of a person's soul, strength, or well being."

He looked over at her. "How old were you when you took the Oaths?"

"Sixteen, the standard age for Underland. I was the only one to take them that year."

"Why?"

"Because all the other ladies my age were too busy being simpering prats, as I recall. I wanted to make a difference in Underland; they just wanted to occupy it."

Ilosovic chuckled. "Don't we all?" He winced under his wife's exasperated glare. "Moving on…Have you ever used your knowledge of brewing potions for personal gain?"

Alannah blushed, speaking in a voice of false sincerity. "No, never!"

He raised his eye at her. "Really? So what would you call all those Passion Potions you've made?"

She smirked at him. "A damn good investment in my skills."

Ilosovic laughed. "Can't argue with that. They are quite difficult to brew correctly, and I do enjoy being…experimented on. Especially that last one."

Alannah blushed, knowing exactly what he meant. "You mean the one where we almost ended up having sex in the throne room?"

"Yes, that one, too but I was thinking of the time we ended up behind a Tapestry in the Great Hall."

She blushed deeper. "That…there wasn't a passion potion involved in that one. Only an extremely frustrated and aroused wife who wanted to properly greet her husband. You'd been gone for three months!"

Ilosovic gave her a bemused look. "Alannah, you ripped my shirt off with one hand."

"Yes, and if you recall your only word of protest was 'Guhhh…'"

"It's hard to be articulate when your wife is pleasuring you in a public area."

Alannah giggled. "I thought I was pleasuring you in a pubic area."

"That too. Next question. Recite the Second Oath."

"Upon my honor as a Healer, I will never try to concoct a cure for a mortal disease unless expressly asked to by the patient. I will also never try to scam a patient into thinking I have a cure when all I have is barley water or some other useless tonic."

Ilosovic frowned. "That's one that more healers need to take seriously."

"Why do you think I was so furious with 'Dr' Mirakle? He was not only scamming people, he would most likely have caused innocent deaths if he'd been left unchecked."

Ilosovic nodded. "Good thing you caught him then. Alannah, this damn thing has eighty more pages! Do we really have to go through all of them?"

"Well, there is always the condensed version of the Oaths." She took a deep breath.

"Upon my honor as a healer, I will cure what I can, never deceive a patient, try not to strangle a particularly troublesome patient, never use weapons unless in self defense, never cause permanent harm to any living creature, assist in any births, never sell a potion that I know for a fact does not work, try to make my potions as disgusting as possible…" at Ilosovic's look she giggled. "Alright, I made that last bit up. I vow to try to resist strangling idiot healers who should have been renounced years ago, and to keep pestering Mirana to expand the Infirmary. I also vow to keep making Passion Potions, not that my extremely vigorous and constantly horny husband needs them."

Ilosovic chucked the book over his shoulder. "Congratulations, you've passed. You are once more a Healer." He walked over to her, lifting her up bridal style and kissing her. "Now, I think this patient needs a…thorough checkup."

Alannah giggled in agreement.


End file.
